Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Breathe in, Breathe out.  Slow calming breathes.  I need to slow down and take some breathers before I over react, however that is NOT the easiest thing to do when you're all steamed up!  

Monday was really CRAPPPPPPPY!!!!  I went to Cross Fit that morning, and it helped a TON!  Tuesday I can honestly say I felt GREAT!  I was surprised at how good I felt.  I blamed Sunday and Monday on me coming off of my medication, which could have been the case, and maybe for real these oils are helping me!  I felt great that is until, (and this is only the way "I" felt and the way "I" take things some of the time, not necessarily how things were probably meant....) I felt like someone took me and threw me on the ground and tried to smash me like a bug, a bug you want to make sure is good and dead!  I felt like CRAP!  Let’s rewind a bit....I got home from work, the Swans man pulled up right behind me, so I didn't really have any time to relax before I had to go get the kids from school.  I picked them up and remembered that Jack was in desperate need of a mystery book for his book report that is due NEXT WEEK!  I took him the first of the month to get a book; he picked one out but decided he didn't like it.  I finally got around to taking him back to the library yesterday.  It takes him FOREVER to pick out a book, who am I kidding, it takes him FOREVER to do ANYTHING!!!  Finally found a book, hopefully the teacher will approve of it, but Jack won't take it to him to actually get it approved because it's so stinking late!  Hope it’s an okay book for him to read at his grade level.  After leaving the library and paying all of our fines, which totaled $21.40, we headed over to the clinic to get our flu shots, SURPRISE! The boys were really good about getting theirs, Cole was a little nervous, but he didn't cry or throw a fit, much like the family lined up behind me.  I got home and told Jack he needed to get busy on his homework, since he seemed to have quite a bit.  Long division SUCKS!  I get it, I don't have a problem with it, I think it's kind of easy, but not Jack!  I think he could get it if he would STOP telling himself he doesn't want to do it or that it’s too hard!  I had to go to Larines house, we both needed to get our food handlers since ours expired.  I could have spent all day over there, but I knew I needed to get home.  Got home and Jack hadn’t even LOOKED at his homework, and guess who was there wondering if he could hang out!  Seriously!  After arguing for what seemed forever, his friends finally left and he went up to his bed to sulk, and probably cry.  I felt bad because his friends don't come over very often to play with him.  BUT he had his division he needed to do PLUS he has a whole book he needs to get done reading AND do a book report on!  AAAAAAAHHHHH   GGGGGRRRRR!!!!!   I will have to say that through all that I still kept my calm, I was perfectly not irritated at all, not even one little bit.  I didn't raise my voice or yell or anything.  So proud of myself at that moment.  About an hour or so later when Jack finally decided to stop sulking and crying, I asked if I could help him try to understand his math.  I was doing good, but all he was doing is still complaining, so I was trying to see if I could find a youtube video that might help.  I was starting to get a "little" on edge at this time, not too bad though.  I was mainly getting frustrated because he wasn't even trying, he was just complaining.  I felt like I was making a little progress and was almost to the point where he was actually going to get going on his homework.  I have realized that Jack is very delicate and you have to give him his space and handle him in a delicate loving way, if you don't then nothing will EVER get done.  Shortly after I ALMOST had Jack starting on his homework, Brenden came in the door, (he had been working outside on our power for the garage) he probably "thought" I was upset because Jack still hadn’t started on his homework.  He took it upon himself to sit down and get after him for not doing his homework.  He didn't yell at Jack, but he did raise his voice, I was over there thinking that he was just undoing EVERYTHIGN that I had just been trying to do, so of course I was getting really irritated and my anxiety was really setting in!  Cole started to do something and I tried to tell him to stop, but of course I couldn't just say "Cole, stop!"  I had to say "Ryan, Jack, COLE STOP!"  I was frustrated that I couldn't say the name I wanted to!  Brenden got mad at me for yelling, and a bunch of other things were said that don't need to be repeated.  Brenden got in the shower, I finished dinner, and had to get out of the house and go feel sorry for myself.  I went to the church and sat on the lawn for a while, I left my phone home; I didn't want to be bothered.  I sat there in peace, tried not to think about how misunderstood I was feeling, but the tears came I couldn’t hold them back.  Then I started to get scared thinking someone was going to murder me because it was getting dark and all I could hear was this ringing in my ears that I get when I go off my meds.  Plus I've been watching Criminal Minds.  I went home and sat in my car for a while, and was glad that we now have a back door that goes into our laundry room that I could sneak into, instead of having to come in the front door.  I went to bed and woke up feeling great that it is a new day!  Of course sometimes Jack knows how to CRAP all over my good attitude without even trying!  I am determined to have a GREAT day though.  I am in charge of the way I feel!