Teusday, December 2, 2014

Okay, I’ve had time to calm down now, writing that last night helped a lot.  I am still plenty mad at my mom for not speaking her mind when she had the chance.  After this has died down a bit I will defiantly have to talk to her about that.  I had a nice long talk with my Heavenly Father this morning, poured my heart out to him.  There are so many things I need help with in my life.  There is no reason I should feel so worthless and powerless, and I know he will help me feel of worth.  I know he will help me in anything and all things.  I know the Atonement is there for me to take advantage of and use in my life, I just don’t know if there is some kind of “secret” on how that’s done.  Anyways, my memory is not the best, most of the time I can’t remember what I did 10 min ago, let alone what I did yesterday.  I think a lot of that has to do with these bad things that happen in my life that I just want to push to the very back of my memory and forget.  Which that’s good for now, but it always seems to get mixed in with my feelings somehow and it comes back to the surface and I feel like crap all over again, except now (because I’ve “forgotten” about the experience) I have no idea why I feel like crap, I just do.  I know there are several experiences I need to confront, I’m not looking forward to it, but it has to be done.  I don’t want to fester in this memory anymore, but I need to remember it just so I can explained my feelings to my brother, sister-in-law, and mother.  I had an experience with my oldest sister several years ago.  She and I were talking about my oldest brother, more like complaining about him.  We both said some very unnecessary and hurtful things about him.  A couple months later this brother confronted me and told me that my sister told him everything I had said about him.  That was just like her stabbing me in the heart!  I couldn’t believe it!  Was she not part of the conversation, was I the only one bad mouthing him!?  HECK NO!  I could have turned that right around on her and told him all the crap she had said during that conversation, but he was already hurt by my words, I didn’t want to make it worse.  I never confronted my sister about that incident, and I’ve always acted like everything is fine, but I’ve been holding onto that for a very long time, what has it been, about 4 years or so.  I don’t know if I will ever be able to let it go, but I need to give it a try.  I just want to ask why, what was the purpose.  I hope talking to other people about the current problem will help me not hold onto these feelings like I have with that one.