Positive/Attitude

Sorry lately has just been words and no pictures.  I have to keep telling myself to be positive and have a good attitude, I HAVE TO!  I wouldn't be able to make it if I didn't at least try.  I don't know if it was at church or where I heard this, but someone said.....oh it was at Stake Conference and Elder Holt said something that made me think of this, I think.  To pray and ask Heavenly Father to teach me or show me how to raise my kids.  I know there is no hand book, unfortunately, for each kid.  Every kid is different, thank heaven.  Most of the time I feel like I don't know what I'm doing, how am I supposed to act, how am I supposed to solve all the problems in the world, how am I supposed to do anything when all I feel like all I can do is go CRAZY!  Absolutely crazy.  It's hard when you're in the moment to sit back and "Breathe".  I usually get caught up in the moment and just loose it.  I feel really bad for Jack, I know I've probably said it before, but he's getting the bad end of the deal.  Ryan is the oldest, I let him do a lot more than Jack because he's older.  He's a really good kid and usually doesn't give me too many problems, he hasn't driven me too crazy.  It seems like he's always looking out for me.  When he thinks I'm having a bad day or something he's the one that comes and gives me a hug and tells me he loves me and he makes sure everyone is treating me right when I'm feeling blue.  Cole is the baby, do I need to say more :)  Jack is stuck in the middle.  He doesn't get as much attention.  He whines and cries over EVERYTHING, I swear.  He loves me too, and I love him, but (and I've said this before) he's NEVER wrong, and I'm so sick of arguing with the kid.  I get in so many arguments with him and get so upset with him over them.  I feel kinda sorry for the kid. 
I think a lot about the future when it comes to my kids.  I think about what their lives are going to be like when they get in high school, who they might date and who they might marry.  After I'm done thinking about that I think of what kind of people my sons are going to be.  I think of how their self esteem is going to be, and I think about the way I treat them and how it's going to affect their lives, namely Jack.  I get upset at him A LOT!  By looking at him and the way he acts I don't really think he's thinking to himself that he's a worthless piece of crap, but the way I am with him, it's only a matter of time, right?  I've been praying for help to raise him, and for help to know what to do.  As I was praying the thought came to me, 'just love him, and put your own feelings aside'.  When I used to yell I felt like I wasn't even in control of myself.  It's like when I got so angry someone else just took over my body, and I couldn't control what I did or said.  I've gotten a lot better at controlling myself, so I haven't yelled quite so much.  Not to say I don't have my moments, but at least I feel  in control.  My kids don't need to see how angry I can get, they need to see how much I love them.  I'm a mom for crying out loud, that's my job, to be their mother.  Their needs should come before mine, I need to spend time with them and just love them.  Last night I hope is the last time I ever loose it with my kids, namely Jack.  When he starts to argue with me, I have to prepare myself.  Put on a happy face and listen and love.  I can leave the house and take a break later if I need to, but I need to show him that I love him, and that I'm not going to loose it and fly off the handle every time he isn't perfect.