Hard Life

I think the reason why my life has been so hard lately is because I don’t take time to write on my blog.  This is my therapy.  Work is going great, I really love it, and I know if I didn’t work I’d probably be going crazy being home all day long.  But lately I’ve hated not having any time to do ANYTHING!  I’m taking this stupid EMT class and I feel like a complete idiot!  After talking to people in the class I’ve found out that I’m not the only one who feels this way, but I keep telling myself how stupid I am and how I’m NEVER going to get it.  When in the heck do I have time to study!?  And when I do read the chapter, it makes absolutely no sense to me and I get even more frustrated!  I haven’t been able to find a balance!  I wake up at 5 in the morning, because I know the kids won’t wake up that early and it’s the only time I have to myself.  I try to build a fire before I freeze my butt off, then I read my scriptures and try to get something done, anything!  Wake up the kids at 6 to get ready and do their reading, fight with Jack because all he knows how to do is argue, drives me absolutely up the wall.  I don’t know why but…..he does, he drives me crazy, he would drive me to drinking if I drank, he makes my day go like crap!  And it’s not just that he argues with me I don’t know why it effects me the way it does, but just about everyday after I drop my kids off at school I come home and cry.  I HATE feeling this way!  Anyways, the only quiet time I have is before I go to work, I’ve been trying to get some study time in then, but I get distracted or I sit here feeling anxious about the house being a freaking mess.  Go to work, my day is awesome!  Come home, and the kids come through the door in a matter of 30 min.  No time to clean the house I need to try and study, but can’t because every noise I hear drives me up the wall.  All I can focus on is the kids fighting, yelling, making a mess, or just running around, even their laughter pisses me off.  I’m telling you I feel like I’m going mental.  I have class every Tuesday and Thursday and every other Saturday, then on Wednesday I have young women's.  When do I have time to study!  Then the other night during class I literally was falling asleep, what the crap!  I’ve been trying to sleep in until 5:30 the past couple nights, so I hope I can stay awake tonight!  I’m half way done with my class, thank heavens, but until then….I’M GOING TO GO CRAZY!!!!!  What gets me down even more is when I think about how happy I used to be.  When I was in high school and college, I was so happy it pissed people off, I never had a bad day, it was always peaches and cream!  Why can’t I feel happy now, I feel like….I don’t know, I just want the misery to end.  I hate that I act fine to everyone else, but my family gets the me from heck!  I’m sure you’d never know there was anything wrong with me, because unless you are really close friends with me you’d wouldn’t know.  I feel like I can’t do this anymore.  I just want to love my life.  I have a wonderful husband that has been so helpful so so helpful, I have three wonderful children, I just wish I could enjoy them.  I feel incapable.