Surge of Emotions

This past month has been very difficult, and very emotional for me, especially this past week. About the first of December Brenden's brother Jared lost his job. Around the same time Brenden was called in to talk to the boss, Brenden and Jared were both working for Desert Tire. He received a pay cut and we were led to believe that we'd have a job till at least the end of summer. Two weeks later, on the night of our ward Christmas party, the 14 of December, Brenden also lost his job. It's been really hard to deal with and it really sucks. It hasn't really hit us yet financially because we still got both our December pay checks, we shall see what the up coming months will bring. I feel like, especially now, that I have to look at every trial the Lord throws at me. I mean really look at it. Yes Brenden loosing his job really sucks and we are going to have to deal with this trial for quite a while, but now he is going to be able to go back to school full time and do what he's always wanted to do, teach high school. I know we won't be able to live the high and mighty life again for quite awhile, but it'll all be worth it, it's almost never easy but it's almost always worth it. We always need to look for the silver lining, sometimes it's hard to see or find, but it's almost always there. I know there are hard times ahead, I also know that I am truly blessed. 
This past year I challenged myself to read the entire standard works, and I actually finished it!  I am so proud of myself.  I've always had a hard time getting into the habit of reading, so I am very thankful for this challenge.  It has brought me so much closer to my Heavenly Father.  The relationship I have with Him right now is so awesome.  It's helped me to want to read as often as I can.  It was always hard for me to read "every day".  I had in my mind that is what you were supposed to do, so when I would try to do that and I'd miss a day Satan would tell me what a big piece of crap I was and that I couldn't do it.  So I'd give up, it was just too hard!  By challenging myself to read it all in one year showed me that I CAN do it, and that just because I may miss a day or two it's okay and it's not the end of the world.  I was reminded yesterday that even if you just read at least four verses a day, like on those days you may not have time or you're really tired.  It is hard to get into the habit, but don't beat yourself up if you slip and aren't perfect, you can still do it.  I thought it was kind of ironic that this year the Relief Society sisters are being challenged to draw nearer to Christ by reading the scriptures.  In the Relief Society Record for January it says:
  "In D&C 88:63 the Lord tells us:  'Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me, ask; and ye shall receive; knock and it shall be opened unto you.'  This year we are encouraging each sister to 'Draw Near Unto Chirst'.  We encourage each to:
Seek - Through Scripture Study
Ask - Prayer
Knock - by Obedience (Temple Work)
  We would like each sister to set a personal goal this year to help her study the scriptures.  Our goal is to challenge each sister to study the scriptures, some may choose to read the Book of Mormon in 100 days.  Others may want to read the Book of Mormon in a year, some may want to set the goal of studying the Sunday school lesson each week.  We want to encourage each sister to set a goal and we will be here to help each sister succeed.
   We also encourage all to make a goal to attend the temple regularly.  Each will know what a reasonable goal can be for their circumstance.
   'Be a companion with Christ, and he will draw near unto you and be your best friend.  There is no better friend than Christ' (William R Bradford)"

It's funny because as I just read that last quote from William R. Bradford I realized that is the same quote that's in my Young Women's lesson for Sunday :)  Anyways Ryan and I are reading the Book of Mormon this year.  It'll be a lot easier to keep on task because instead of having to read 7 1/2 pages like last year, I only have to read a page and a half.  Much slower pace, I can study it more. 
New years eve was eventful for Brenden.  There was a stabbing here in little ol' Enterprise.  Then New Years morning he got another call out.  There had been a car accident on Cottonwood.  We heard it was a head on and that there was one fatality and it was someone we knew.  I got a huge knot in my stomach just thinking about who it could be.  When I got news of who it was, I broke down inside.  It was our dear friend Joan Holt.  I went to school and graduated with her daughter Nancy.  She was only 64 years old, and mothered 14 children of her own.  I went to her viewing Wednesday night and got there 5 min after it started and was in line for almost an hour!  It was beautiful.  I really didn't want to go to the viewing, they are so hard.  What do you say that hasn't been said a hundred times before.  I didn't say much, just hugged them and told them I loved them.  One thing Bob, Joan's husband, said to my dad, is "the worst thing you can do in a situation like this, is nothing".  I am so glad I went, he's right, they need to know that I love and support them.  The funeral yesterday was really nice.  They said some really nice things.  I've known Joan all my life, and she has been such an inspiration to me.  She's made me want to be a better person, especially after all the wonderful things I've heard about in the past couple days.  She had to have been a totally awesome woman to have raised 14 children up in the church and not one of them has gone astray.  Her children are some of the most righteous and Christlike people I know.  One scripture that comes into my mind is this, (I've modified it a little) Alma 48:17  "Yea, verily, verily I say unto you, if all men (and women) had been , and were and ever would be, like unto "Joan Holt", behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men."  To me, she was that great of a woman.  She has been a great example to me of what a Christlike woman should be, her children are awesome examples of purity and virtue.  I believe in the Fathers plan and am thankful for the knowledge that I have that we can be with our families again.  As my friend Special Agent Oso says "it's all part of the plan"  I know everything happens for a reason, it doesn't mean its all easy, but there is a reason for EVERYTHING! 
Growing up I don't remember there being many deaths.  In my mind you got old then you died, there weren't "accidents", just old people died.  In the past several years that myth of mine has been put to rest.  A couple that I can think of are....Quite a few years ago a high school student was standing in the back of a truck while it was moving and fell out and died, about a week or so before his high school graduation.  A couple years ago our dear Bishop Hess died, I think he had a tumor on his brain.  Last year my dear friends mother was in a car accident and died, not much later my other friends step mother, a bus driver, drove the bus off the road and died, and now this tragedy with Joan.  I do know there is a plan and that things do happen for a reason.  It's made me look at my life and wonder if I am ready if it were my time to go.  Could I be proud of the things I've accomplished in my life.  I should be, and if I'm not, I need to change it.  Who cares what people think about me, it's only what the Lord thinks that matters.  You never know when your last time to see someone is, so treat every moment as though it is your last.  I love you all, and want to give you all a giant HUG!!